What is an appropriate way to triage limited resources between children and adults. This posting is in response to a particular situation that arouse in my shul. It had prompted me to think about the subject from various perspectives. The subject discussed here is what would be an appropriate priority given to kids' request when accessing resources.
Here is what happened to me this last Shabbos. As I was making rounds in almost empty shul I noticed some remnants of a raspberry filled cake @ one of the tables in women's section. Few women including my wife sat there some with their children. Excited I went to the kitchen to get some hot tea to go with the cake. I was fantasizing about consuming the cake with tea on the way back from the kitchen. As soon as I arrived to the table and was about to sit down, a mother of one of the kids asked for some cake for her child. Feeling entitled to "my" raspberry slice I took the plate with cakes and removed the slices that I was interested in, before passing it to the mother to pass to the child.
My gesture was not appreciated by most mothers at the table. The sound of jaws hitting the table as they dropped made me feel that my action was misunderstood.
Seeing the gap in understanding I explained, that I do give priority to adults in most anything given that all things are equal. I am not sure that the answer resonated with the mothers and later discussed the incident with my wife who is very used to me acting in unusual ways.To consider what is appropriate I wanted to think up a few contexts where decisions do go without saying and see how and why these reasons would or would not work for my situation with raspberry cake. So here are some situations:
- Children occupying a last available seat on public transportation.
- Children occupying last remaining seats in a synagogue when adults will have to stand.
- Children interrupting adults when speaking or speaking before adults.
- Children getting challa and wine before parents and/or guests during kiddush.
- Children getting last slices of Raspberry Cake before adults.
My hypothesis is that the Russian "??? ??????? ?????" (All best things for children) has been taken a little too far and accepted without question by new parents. I think in my family we have largely broken away with that tradition; I enjoy seeing my kids play with less than latest toys and games that inspire more interesting play when objects are reused in creative ways. They know that just because so and so has an iPod that does not entitle them to one. At the same time some parents could go as far as shouting on one's spouse for turning the movie off for a child that is glued to a device, showing disrespect for the spouse right in front of a child.
Where is the right place to draw the line and why.
So we have a sliding scale of what is appropriate in different families: "All chocolate belongs to Tatti", "No, no, no, ok fine you can have it", "Children always 1st in line for everything"
Please substantiate your suggestions and be serious.
I agree about not needing the latest toys and most of what you write. And we do give challah to the adults first. I think the difference is that there is enough challah to go around, so they learn to respect adults, but they do get their share. If we only had one piece of bread in the house, I would give it to the kids.
ReplyDeleteI don't see how this is substantiated. You saying it is something we just do. I can see substantiation for the last piece of bread or cake if context is Leningrad during the blockade.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the substantiation for this action? Why a child and not Tatty or Mommy should get the last slice of cake? Or seat on the bus? Nutrition of sugary snack is something even most undernourished kid is better without.